Day 3.6: In the Middle

Humph.  Middle of the 10 days.  Can't get the gumption to move off the computer chair.  The weekend mess is staring me in the face and my sheets need to be changed.  Also, I need to iron.  All of my least favorite things.  I think I need a nap.

I had a healthy breakfast, though.  I drank some water.  I read a funny an inspiring post on a new website I found, called Fiterazzi.com.  Other women going through the same things and feelings I am.  Well, some of the same.

I read a bit over the weekend about diet restrictions, and I think some of us have discussed this before.  When we black-list foods from our diet, we find ourselves obsessing over them, craving them more, and over-indulging when we get our hands on them.  For instance...

A couple years ago I did a diet for 5 weeks.  I was feeling particularly interested in what this would do for my body, I was feeling motivated and ready to give it my 100% effort.  And I did.  It was heavy on protein, alternating with days of protein & certain veggies.  It cut out bread and sugar completely, including fruit.  I followed it.  When I had my cheat meal, it was a hamburger wrapped in lettuce.  I had no sugar, not even sugar substitutes.  I ate tons of eggs and carrots.  I made a pancake for breakfast every day that had 1-2 tbsp of oat bran.  The only exercise I did was walking 20-30 minutes each day.  And I lost weight.  8 lbs in 5 weeks.  I felt totally in control, totally excited that something was working.  I was also looking forward to the set date that I was done and I was going to have bread and dessert again.  The plan was to have it just that day and then continue on with my new found success.

So the day came.  And boy was it a day.  I stuffed myself silly.  I felt rewarded, and so deserving.  Then the day ended and the next day came.  There were a couple things I had wanted to eat and didn't, flavors I'd been missing, and so I figured I could eat them the second day, and THEN get back to the restrictions.  I survived 5 weeks, right?  I didn't die without sugar and bread, I was happy and content, and proud of myself during those 5 weeks.  Okay, I was AMAZED at myself.  But the reward day turned into days, then weeks, and then months, and I never got back on the train.  And I sure made up for lost time.  I gained back 13 lbs in 5 weeks.  Such very classic diet behavior.

Mentally I was ruined.  The total deprivation that I had enforced evolved into a feeling of panic that these things I craved were never going to be there again, or that they will forever be off limits.  I was ruined because I knew it was physically possible for me to go without them, so I must be a weakling when I did eat them.  Not only that, but I hadn't been exercising at my usual pace and because I had been eating so few calories every day, my poor starved body and mind clung to every calorie I gave it.  I started out that spring in the worst shape of my adult life, and spent the summer slowly building back what I had lost in fitness.

I still have not gotten back to that lower weight, and have hovered at my beginning weight for 2 years.  I still overindulge on sugar and bread because I swear I'm going to cut it out for good on Monday, and it really is the LAST time I eat 5 cookies at a sitting again.  Okay, 8 cookies.  Luckily I have stuck to exercising because I can never be that unfit again.  

But I am still mentally confused about my feelings for sugar and bread.  I know they are part of a healthy and happy diet and lifestyle.  I know that I don't really need much of them, and truly I do not need them every day.  I have made changes like eating only whole wheat bread, so I know I'm getting more quality from what I do eat.  I don't keep candy around the house and I don't even make dessert once a week.  But when I do get my hands on dessert, heaven help me.  Somewhere in my brain that diet has temporarily turned off my ability to say "I don't need it now.  It'll be there later, when I really want it".

I don't always feel guilty for eating candy or dessert.  When I do feel guilty it is because I know I didn't really need it.  It is because I know that inside me is the ability to say no.  The ability to control myself.  The ability to have control over my bodily appetites, and to practice moderation.

All of this sounds like an addiction recovery program.  Because it kind of is.  

This is why when we talk "diet" it should be about balance, healthy substitutions, and listening to your body.  It should be about recognizing why we are eating: hunger, loneliness, sadness, happiness, or boredom.  Healthy diets start with what we can eat, filling ourselves with healthy good food so we don't need empty unhealthy foods.  Diets should be about enjoying food because it makes us feel and and it is enjoyable, but knowing when to say when.  This is also why we share and have support systems and fitness groups, and make realistic goals.  So that the changes we want to make can happen and stick.

So, I am officially adjusting my 101-day goal until Easter: I am going to have dessert once per week.  I am going to have sugar, the real kind, on my oatmeal every day.  I may even have something sweet during the week NOT on my cheat day, but it is going to be less than 100 calories if I do.  I will have no more than 2 pieces of bread each day, the whole wheat kind, and enjoy every bite.  And I am going to eat 5 servings of fruits and veggies each day.

My name is Emily, and I am totally addicted to sugar.  But I don't have to be.